Day 5 -Struggling towards my first milestone

Friday morning was tough. I was on my own for awhile and the frustration of not feeling normal was getting to me. The thought of another day of RT and another 6 cycles of this was hard to take. 
I was also frustrated with not being productive and at work where I could get things done....yes I'm being confronted with my "work/achievement idol" here. 

"Suffering has a way of reordering your loves" (Keller) and I think this is happening as the Lord shows me my heart and reorders my passions.  Is Christ Himself the great reward or is Christ the means to the rewards?

My devotion this morning confirms this:
...You with your own hand drove out the nations,
but them you planted;
you afflicted the peoples
but them you set free;
for not by their own sword did they win the land,
nor did their own arm save them,
but your right hand and your arm,
and the light of your face,
for you delighted in them......

For not in my bow do I trust,
nor can my sword save me 
But you have saved us from our foes
and have put to shame those who hate us
In God we have boasted continually
and we will give thanks to your name forever.
Psalm44

Lord not in my bow do I trust, nor my own sword, wisdom and accomplishments. Help me to trust in you alone. Help me to savour and seek you alone, not victory that is sure, nor the healing that will come or the restoration that is ours to claim.  Christ is my great reward.

After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward!  Gen 15:1

Day 4 - Hiccups and more hiccups

Today has been the toughest so far, experiencing nausea and intermittent violent hiccups.  In fact the Tomography machine stopped because I was moving too much from the hiccups.  The technicians came back in and I suggested letting me drink some water.  Fortunately the hiccups stopped then it came back even worse when I got home.  Connie made a warm drink which seem to have stopped it.

My mouth is also getting more and more dry as the days go...

I take comfort in my reading of Psalm 42 this morning.....Hope in God for I shall again praise Him,  my salvation and my God!!

Why are you cast down, O My soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordon and Hermon, 
From Mount Mizar
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls
all your breakers and your waves have gone before me

By day the Lord commands His steadfast love
and at night His song is with me 

Psalm 42

Day 3 - Side Effects

Some side effects are beginning to show.

1) my mouth is increasingly getting drier. I have the mouth wash that simulates saliva and keeps it moisturize for 7 hours so I do that before sleeping.  

2) this morning I got a violent hiccup attack.  YES!  hiccups. It would stop after I do my blow air out then drink a glass of water routine. It would stop for 30 minutes and then come back with a vengeance. Suspecting it is because of the chemo I went to Dr. Google..."hiccups chemo"  Yes... cisplatin can cause hiccups but it will go away a couple of days after the chemo.  Thankfully it stopped in time for my radiotherapy treatment this afternoon.

3) My neck is getting a bit sore and feels hot at night like sunburn. After the afternoon sessions, I apply olive oil to the affected area.  There is a study of how topical olive oil helps reduce radiodermatitis...I'll see if it works. So far it helps moisture the area and keeps it supple.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4565279/

4) no nausea but bloating and tightness on upper abdomen after eating.  Taking medication (Controlloc) before food helps ease the discomfort.

When I'm not in the hospital I'm busy fighting monsters and saving humans.:)

Radiotherapy table where I lie for 15 minutes everyday. See my superhero
mask at the corner  

  

Day 2 - Chemo begins

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined to me and heard my cry
He drew me from the pit of destruction
Out of the miry bog
And set my feet on a rock
Making my steps secure
He put a new song in my mouth
A song of praise to our God
Many will see and fear
And put their trust in the Lord
psalm 40

 Preparing for the RT this afternoon... My memory verse.
At 9.30am 2 bottles of saline with minerals were dripped in. At 10.45am the first drop of cistplatin went in.

Lord, may the chemo drugs "Passover"the good cells redeemed by the blood of the Lamb
and destroy the "broken cancer cells"! 

Reading, praying, memorizing

Greetings from Subang Jaya Medical Center

DAY 1 - Like first day in school!

The feeling is like your first day of school. Lost and unsure what is going  to happen next.

I lie down on that hard table again and they pull my luminous yellow grid mask out from the cupboard.  They mark my face and chest and place the mask on top.  Then they strap my face and chest down firmly. My eyes firmly closed and my lips pursed.  At first I felt unable to breathe as it pressed hard on my neck.  They readjusted and then it felt better.

I hear everyone leaving the room and then the table moves into the giant white donut.  After about 10 minutes of measuring they announce that everything is OK and they will begin with the 447 sec of radiation.

The long walk to the radiotherapy chamber

Like a sci fi movie, a faint blue light goes around the donut humming along from left to right to left to right.....a bit intimidating. I try to block out all the humming and hissing and buzzing sounds around me and begin to think and recite Psalm 23...The Lord is My Shepherd I shall not want....
It helps me to focus on remembering the psalm instead of all thats going on around me.  before long its over. What a relief.

My head unstrapped and I'm helped up from the table!

The mask leaves an imprint on my forehead

Tomorrow is another day. Its a full day as I will receive my first dose of chemotherapy.  8.30am to 1.30pm.  Then to radiotherapy from 2pm to about 2.30pm.

Thank you all for praying for us.

Not sure how long more I can hit the gym...and my caregiver's back is HEALED! She says TQ for the prayers  

Overwhelmed by love

At church, Connie and I were overwhelmed by all your love, prayers, gifts (organic vegetables, chinese barley...etc), hugs and words of encouragement.  We dont know how anyone could go through a trial as big as this without a loving, caring community.

Today, my fight begins!  My appointment for the radiotherapy is at 2pm.  

Please  pray

1) Treatment

 -  That the tumor will shrink quickly as a result of the RT

 -  Minimal to no side effects : weight loss, mouth and throat ulcers, nausea, loss of sense of taste, skin burn, depression.

 -  Protection for the optic nerves, hearing, brain, salivary glands, and voice.

 - That all the cancer cells will be destroyed that the technicians and doctors will not leave out any spot. 

2) Please pray during treatment that I will be able to be calm and restful and remain still

3) Connie has developed a backache. Pray for healing and strength for her too.

Thank you once again for all your prayers and support.

#BeStrong #ThisisMyFightSong 
#LeaningOnHim #ItCan'tGowrong

Weekend Reflection or Rambling..

Friday early morning walk with Connie at the Park in Subang

I am thankful and my heart is filled with joy.  I think of how God has been good to me and His lovingkindness has no end. There is no permanency in life and this disease has taught me how vulnerable and fragile life is. The psalmist says - “As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.”  BUT in contrast to that temporal-ness is God’s steadfast, long lasting love!  (Psalm103:14-18)

Going through this time of uncertainty it is so good to know that something can be so certain.

It gives me strength as I know from my past, the 38 years that I have known the Lord – how good and faithful He is. How He has really protected me and plucked me from so many possible dangers and heartaches in life. In fact I was secretly thinking before this Cancer, how relatively “trial free” my life has been. Perhaps, before this cancer, the most severe trial was the 2 months of my mother’s hospitalization before she passed away in May 2009.  

I can trust the Hand of God upon my life! God has been good, and I know He is still good and the timing of this trial is in his perfect will for my life.  This song “The Perfect Wisdom of our God” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSnzYnOe6kI says it well;

Each strand of sorrow has a place

Within this tapestry of grace;

So through the trials I choose to say:

“Your perfect will in your perfect way.”

Another reason to trust Him in this season of suffering is the Gospel of Jesus Christ which I have come not only to know but to embrace for strength to live this life. The God who brought light to this world in the beginning has graciously shone light into my heart so that I can know Christ in greater intensity with each passing day and even more through this trial! 

This knowledge of God's saving grace and mercy upon me, Paul calls this "Treasures"in jars of clay! (2 cor4) It has given me the power to face this trial and suffering knowing that the Christ who redeemed me and paid the penalty of my sin is in me (jar of clay) and is a sure and unshakable foundation. No wonder Paul says; "We are afflicted but not crushed, perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed." What a way to live!!  In all of this we share in the suffering of our Lord and saviour who also rose and conquered death. What victory!  It gives me hope! 

The 3rd reason is the Hope of Eternity! I had the opportunity of studying and preaching through the book of Revelation with my beloved congregation and benefited immensely from it. Strangely, the news of the cancer came to me the Thursday after my last sermon on Revelation 21 - "Listening to and longing for Eternity! 

Thinking of a place where there be no more sin, nor sickness,nor tears nor pain, nor suffering gives hope for the present. A place where there is love, with the people of God, worshiping our Lord and Saviour night and day.  The redeemed from every tribe and tongue crying out "Salvation belongs to our God who sits upon the throne and to the Lamb!" Listening to eternity gives hope for the present.   

A couple of months ago, Connie and I visited a dear sister struggling with advanced cancer.  As I shared this she interupted, exclaiming, with tears in her eyes; "I'll be there!!!"  Yes indeed, she will be there, as I will be there and as all of us who trust in the name of Jesus Christ will be there!  What hope!!

If you have read through this weekend rambling to this point - thank you.  Hope it made sense.