The pattern is after the CT on Tuesday, I feel bad all Wednesday and then peaks on Thursday evening. Sunday feels the best. I am so thankful for the weekends as it gives Connie and I a break from having to rush to the hospital every afternoon.
I know with each cycle of CT, my body is getting beaten down and my WBC and RBC drop. Each week, I know I'm going to get weaker. I cry to God and I call for His mercy before each mouthful of food. (Never thought I would have to force food, good food down like this)
Today, I am reduced to one who have to cry to God even to do the basic thing for a man and that is to eat. I am moved to repentance in ever having thought that I was so good at what I do, so sufficient, so capable, so strong that prayer was the last resort, worship whenever convenient and reading the Word only when necessary.
My reading and meditation of Psalm 52 spoke right in -
V.7 See the man who would not make God His refuge
but trusted in the abundance of His riches (security, comfort)
and sought refuge (safety, self-image) in His own destruction
BUT I am like a green olive tree in the house of God
I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever
I will thank you forever
because you have done it
I will wait for your name for it is good
in the presence of the Godly.
We are not that great and powerful afterall. Lord how I need you!! I want you closer! I want to know you! I wanna be a green olive tree in the house of God!!
Brother Blair and I read your email and cried. We are saddened that this is so painful. At the same time we are overwhelmed with joy to hear you confessing to the Lord and crying out in hope. We are fighting with you in prayer!
ReplyDeleteMeng, its painful to see you suffering.
ReplyDeleteWe can't share your pain nor lessen your pain. The assurance is that the Holy Spirit helps you in your weakness. He intercedes for you through wordless groans in accordance with the will of God.We cry out to God to give you strength each day.
Pastor, Micah, Blair, thank you for your constant and deep prayer for me and my family. It has been trying but we have been experiencing His sweet presence like never before and that in itself makes it worth the suffering. I'm trying to savour these moments in between the nausea and physical discomfort and pain and record my reflections as much as I can.
ReplyDeleteMiss our Tuesday morning pastoral meetings and lunches!! But ill be back! Uncle Soons, CKT, chicken rice....:)
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