Day 5 -Struggling towards my first milestone

Friday morning was tough. I was on my own for awhile and the frustration of not feeling normal was getting to me. The thought of another day of RT and another 6 cycles of this was hard to take. 
I was also frustrated with not being productive and at work where I could get things done....yes I'm being confronted with my "work/achievement idol" here. 

"Suffering has a way of reordering your loves" (Keller) and I think this is happening as the Lord shows me my heart and reorders my passions.  Is Christ Himself the great reward or is Christ the means to the rewards?

My devotion this morning confirms this:
...You with your own hand drove out the nations,
but them you planted;
you afflicted the peoples
but them you set free;
for not by their own sword did they win the land,
nor did their own arm save them,
but your right hand and your arm,
and the light of your face,
for you delighted in them......

For not in my bow do I trust,
nor can my sword save me 
But you have saved us from our foes
and have put to shame those who hate us
In God we have boasted continually
and we will give thanks to your name forever.
Psalm44

Lord not in my bow do I trust, nor my own sword, wisdom and accomplishments. Help me to trust in you alone. Help me to savour and seek you alone, not victory that is sure, nor the healing that will come or the restoration that is ours to claim.  Christ is my great reward.

After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward!  Gen 15:1

Day 4 - Hiccups and more hiccups

Today has been the toughest so far, experiencing nausea and intermittent violent hiccups.  In fact the Tomography machine stopped because I was moving too much from the hiccups.  The technicians came back in and I suggested letting me drink some water.  Fortunately the hiccups stopped then it came back even worse when I got home.  Connie made a warm drink which seem to have stopped it.

My mouth is also getting more and more dry as the days go...

I take comfort in my reading of Psalm 42 this morning.....Hope in God for I shall again praise Him,  my salvation and my God!!

Why are you cast down, O My soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordon and Hermon, 
From Mount Mizar
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls
all your breakers and your waves have gone before me

By day the Lord commands His steadfast love
and at night His song is with me 

Psalm 42

Day 3 - Side Effects

Some side effects are beginning to show.

1) my mouth is increasingly getting drier. I have the mouth wash that simulates saliva and keeps it moisturize for 7 hours so I do that before sleeping.  

2) this morning I got a violent hiccup attack.  YES!  hiccups. It would stop after I do my blow air out then drink a glass of water routine. It would stop for 30 minutes and then come back with a vengeance. Suspecting it is because of the chemo I went to Dr. Google..."hiccups chemo"  Yes... cisplatin can cause hiccups but it will go away a couple of days after the chemo.  Thankfully it stopped in time for my radiotherapy treatment this afternoon.

3) My neck is getting a bit sore and feels hot at night like sunburn. After the afternoon sessions, I apply olive oil to the affected area.  There is a study of how topical olive oil helps reduce radiodermatitis...I'll see if it works. So far it helps moisture the area and keeps it supple.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4565279/

4) no nausea but bloating and tightness on upper abdomen after eating.  Taking medication (Controlloc) before food helps ease the discomfort.

When I'm not in the hospital I'm busy fighting monsters and saving humans.:)

Radiotherapy table where I lie for 15 minutes everyday. See my superhero
mask at the corner  

  

Day 2 - Chemo begins

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined to me and heard my cry
He drew me from the pit of destruction
Out of the miry bog
And set my feet on a rock
Making my steps secure
He put a new song in my mouth
A song of praise to our God
Many will see and fear
And put their trust in the Lord
psalm 40

 Preparing for the RT this afternoon... My memory verse.
At 9.30am 2 bottles of saline with minerals were dripped in. At 10.45am the first drop of cistplatin went in.

Lord, may the chemo drugs "Passover"the good cells redeemed by the blood of the Lamb
and destroy the "broken cancer cells"! 

Reading, praying, memorizing

Greetings from Subang Jaya Medical Center

DAY 1 - Like first day in school!

The feeling is like your first day of school. Lost and unsure what is going  to happen next.

I lie down on that hard table again and they pull my luminous yellow grid mask out from the cupboard.  They mark my face and chest and place the mask on top.  Then they strap my face and chest down firmly. My eyes firmly closed and my lips pursed.  At first I felt unable to breathe as it pressed hard on my neck.  They readjusted and then it felt better.

I hear everyone leaving the room and then the table moves into the giant white donut.  After about 10 minutes of measuring they announce that everything is OK and they will begin with the 447 sec of radiation.

The long walk to the radiotherapy chamber

Like a sci fi movie, a faint blue light goes around the donut humming along from left to right to left to right.....a bit intimidating. I try to block out all the humming and hissing and buzzing sounds around me and begin to think and recite Psalm 23...The Lord is My Shepherd I shall not want....
It helps me to focus on remembering the psalm instead of all thats going on around me.  before long its over. What a relief.

My head unstrapped and I'm helped up from the table!

The mask leaves an imprint on my forehead

Tomorrow is another day. Its a full day as I will receive my first dose of chemotherapy.  8.30am to 1.30pm.  Then to radiotherapy from 2pm to about 2.30pm.

Thank you all for praying for us.

Not sure how long more I can hit the gym...and my caregiver's back is HEALED! She says TQ for the prayers  

Overwhelmed by love

At church, Connie and I were overwhelmed by all your love, prayers, gifts (organic vegetables, chinese barley...etc), hugs and words of encouragement.  We dont know how anyone could go through a trial as big as this without a loving, caring community.

Today, my fight begins!  My appointment for the radiotherapy is at 2pm.  

Please  pray

1) Treatment

 -  That the tumor will shrink quickly as a result of the RT

 -  Minimal to no side effects : weight loss, mouth and throat ulcers, nausea, loss of sense of taste, skin burn, depression.

 -  Protection for the optic nerves, hearing, brain, salivary glands, and voice.

 - That all the cancer cells will be destroyed that the technicians and doctors will not leave out any spot. 

2) Please pray during treatment that I will be able to be calm and restful and remain still

3) Connie has developed a backache. Pray for healing and strength for her too.

Thank you once again for all your prayers and support.

#BeStrong #ThisisMyFightSong 
#LeaningOnHim #ItCan'tGowrong

Weekend Reflection or Rambling..

Friday early morning walk with Connie at the Park in Subang

I am thankful and my heart is filled with joy.  I think of how God has been good to me and His lovingkindness has no end. There is no permanency in life and this disease has taught me how vulnerable and fragile life is. The psalmist says - “As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.”  BUT in contrast to that temporal-ness is God’s steadfast, long lasting love!  (Psalm103:14-18)

Going through this time of uncertainty it is so good to know that something can be so certain.

It gives me strength as I know from my past, the 38 years that I have known the Lord – how good and faithful He is. How He has really protected me and plucked me from so many possible dangers and heartaches in life. In fact I was secretly thinking before this Cancer, how relatively “trial free” my life has been. Perhaps, before this cancer, the most severe trial was the 2 months of my mother’s hospitalization before she passed away in May 2009.  

I can trust the Hand of God upon my life! God has been good, and I know He is still good and the timing of this trial is in his perfect will for my life.  This song “The Perfect Wisdom of our God” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSnzYnOe6kI says it well;

Each strand of sorrow has a place

Within this tapestry of grace;

So through the trials I choose to say:

“Your perfect will in your perfect way.”

Another reason to trust Him in this season of suffering is the Gospel of Jesus Christ which I have come not only to know but to embrace for strength to live this life. The God who brought light to this world in the beginning has graciously shone light into my heart so that I can know Christ in greater intensity with each passing day and even more through this trial! 

This knowledge of God's saving grace and mercy upon me, Paul calls this "Treasures"in jars of clay! (2 cor4) It has given me the power to face this trial and suffering knowing that the Christ who redeemed me and paid the penalty of my sin is in me (jar of clay) and is a sure and unshakable foundation. No wonder Paul says; "We are afflicted but not crushed, perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed." What a way to live!!  In all of this we share in the suffering of our Lord and saviour who also rose and conquered death. What victory!  It gives me hope! 

The 3rd reason is the Hope of Eternity! I had the opportunity of studying and preaching through the book of Revelation with my beloved congregation and benefited immensely from it. Strangely, the news of the cancer came to me the Thursday after my last sermon on Revelation 21 - "Listening to and longing for Eternity! 

Thinking of a place where there be no more sin, nor sickness,nor tears nor pain, nor suffering gives hope for the present. A place where there is love, with the people of God, worshiping our Lord and Saviour night and day.  The redeemed from every tribe and tongue crying out "Salvation belongs to our God who sits upon the throne and to the Lamb!" Listening to eternity gives hope for the present.   

A couple of months ago, Connie and I visited a dear sister struggling with advanced cancer.  As I shared this she interupted, exclaiming, with tears in her eyes; "I'll be there!!!"  Yes indeed, she will be there, as I will be there and as all of us who trust in the name of Jesus Christ will be there!  What hope!!

If you have read through this weekend rambling to this point - thank you.  Hope it made sense.

My Life is in YOUR hands

I thought I could get treated this week but as I found out the hospital needs a week to plan out my treatment with all the data they now have.  That thought leaves me a bit squirmish and anxious thinking that the cancer cells are still growing and multiplying.

Today actually marks 1 month since the ENT  found the tumor in my nostril cavity. This one month went by so quickly - it feels like just a week ago. I guess its pretty good that by the time my first RT it'll be a month and 3 days.

I am reminded this morning not to be anxious.

Psalm 31:14

But I trust in you Lord;

I say you are my God

My times are in your hand;

rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!

Make your face shine on your servant

save me in your steadfast love.

My life is in YOUR hands Lord.  

Not in my enemy (cancer), 

not in the doctors hands, neither in all the supplements and good food I take. 

Isn't that great that our life is in HIS hands?

pheew!  

My Daily, Current Regiment

One of the challenges is maintaining a positive attitude and not allowing negative thoughts to stay in the head for long. They do come... 

Thanks to God's daily Words of assurance I can claim them for the day. Its amazing how the Bible is written by people struggling with what life throws at them. The Psalm for example is full of honest doubts and struggles and cries for help. 

Today's reading Psalm 28:

Blessed be the Lord! 

For He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy

The Lord is my strength and my shield

In Him my heart trusts and I am helped

My heart exults and with my song I give thanks to Him

The Lord is the strength of His people

he is the saving refuge of His anointed

Oh save your people and bless your heritage!

Be their shepherd and carry them forever.

As I revel in God's Word I find a peaceful assurance of His sweet presence with me through the day!

So with God's Word, I take in a regiment of good, natural nutritious foods as well.... 
In the mornings I get my lemon juice first thing while I read my Bible and pray.  30 minutes later, Connie brings me a glass of Barley Green. We finish with our devotion, we pray together then go downstairs for our breakfast. (Oats, Eggs& fruits) Then a handful of spirulina.  I also down a tablespoon of Oleocanthal (found in Olive oils!! This I researched myself)

Before lunch I get a glassful of carrot and spinach, ++ juice..Not sure what Connie puts in it but I obediently drink it all.  Followed by lunch, then Vitamin C, Echinacea and more olecanthals :)

In the afternoon, a glass of Barley Green  Then just before dinner, another glass of carrot and vegetable juices.  After dinner another tablet of Vitamin C and spirulina.  

Some form of exercise everyday... if not the gym then a walk at the lake.

This is how I keep my mind and body ready for the FIGHT!
#BeStrong

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and prayers!!  It means more to us than you know.
Do drop a note here in this blog too...

Poked again

I've never liked needles, yet this last 2 weeks I've gotten a lot of it, and I'll get another half dozen or so in the next 7 weeks. 

After the ordeal..resting

Today was the most uncomfortable experience so far.  First I was told to lay on the CT Scan table, then 2 men measure and mark my face and chest. Then a warm pad is placed over my face and they push contouring out my face and chest. They were making a mold. The head and chest was strapped down so that you cannot move. Then a line was poked into my veins so that they could drip the Contrast (Barium). The whole body heats up and a strong metallic smell fills the tunnel. You feel like choking but soon realize the smell is not from outside but from the Barium being shot up t he veins.

Nurse Lakshmi pulls out the needle that was in my veins

In order not to go crazy, and I was close to it, I replayed my readings of Psalm 23 in the morning...."I fear no evil...for you are with me....".  If you are one who gets claustrophobic  this would not be a favourable position to be in!  

Apparently with all this scans and measurements, the technicians and doctors will plan out my treatment which will only start Next Monday!...... more pain and needles.... 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley

I will fear no evil for you are with me;

your rod and your staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me, 

    in the presence of my enemies

You anoint my head with oil,  

my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord 

forever.

Psalm 23

How to pray

Tomorrow I go for my first treatment. It will be daily radiotherapy for 7 weeks and weekly chemotherapy. Side effects will be fatigue, nausea and loss of appetite.   People have asked how they can pray for me:

1)  Medical treatment
- Pray for healing   
- Please pray that the treatment would be effective and that the tumor will shrink quickly.
- Pray that the medical team would administer the treatment accurately.
-  Pray for minimal side effects and that I will still be able to eat to keep strong.
-  Pray for God's overall protection

2) Pray that I would have opportunity to meet fellow cancer sufferers and make some lasting friendships.  That I would have the opportunity to share Christ love.   

3) Family
- Pray for general health for my whole family.  That we would not get sick.  Especially pray for Connie who is taking care  of me with all the extra work she has on top of what she does to keep the family going.
-   Ellisa goes for her IGSC next week, pray she wont be distracted and that she is able to focus.

Thank you for all the support and love shown to me and my family.  Your care and concern touches our hearts deeply. 

I found Christ!

When the news first broke and when Connie called me from Malaysia to say that the doctor wanted me back because it was cancer - I recall just numbness. Although we sort of expected it because the Specialist warned us it didn't look good - nevertheless when it was official - it was difficult to accept.  

The morning after I got the call, I went out for a run. - Wichita Sunrise

It was always someone else who got cancer but now the "Big C has come to me!" Immediately, I felt like a countdown clock was placed on my forehead and death became real.  Funny isn't it how we live our lives never thinking about death and how imminent it can be....until news like this comes.

Quiet walk along the Olentangy River

I began to spend time in quiet reflection, reading the Word and praying over the next few days whenever I could - in the long car rides, seeing the beautiful sunrise in Wichita, quiet walks along the Olentangy River. I recall thinking, "I thank God that I can be here to experience all this serenity before going back."  Something beautiful began to happen.  God's Word came alive (every verse), songs ministered deeply, prayers became intimate and the sermons spoke  right into my soul.  In the trial - I FOUND CHRIST!  Its true, as Daniel's friends discovered, as Stephen observed and the many suffering saints found out - Christ shows up in suffering!  


When everything is shaken, when death is staring me in the eye - Christ is the one unshakable foundation.  

Little did I know Connie was experiencing the same back home in Malaysia.  His presence enveloped us with such a peace. We worshipped, we prayed, we experienced His presence so richly.  No wonder it is possible to be joyful in the midst of trials especially when Christ is found in the rubble of life!

The long drive to Houston

A flock of birds against the sunrise

Beautiful afternoon on the Olentangy River,  Columbus.  - Thinking of the days ahead.

             Consider it pure Joy when you face various trials.....James 1:2-4

Thank you Lord!

The oncologist was very thorough in explaining the report and subsequent plan of treatment.

It is 1 tumor from the inside of my nostril cavity to the left nodule area.  It is localised and has not spread anywhere else. That in itself is good news.  We rejoice in hearing that!

My treatment starts next Monday - a regiment of 7 weeks radiotherapy and 6 weeks Chemotherapy concurrently. Radiotherapy is 5 days a week.

The doctor explained the side effects and difficulties I will have to bear like - loss of appetite, fatigue and a salivary gland which may be damaged.

Afraid for my job, I quickly asked if my voice will be affected....... Thank God it won't which means many of you will still have to endure my preaching :)

The months ahead will be difficult but I'm grateful to God for the good prognosis and all your prayers, words of encouragement and hugs!  

    

Long road ahead...

What a long road to the hospital. Lord, your grace is sufficient

 My viadolorosa.

Going to see the Oncologist

Today, I go to see the oncologist for the report of the PET Scan. This will tell me how bad or how good it looks,  What my chances are and what stage this cancer is in.

Psalm 20 this morning spoke to me
Some trust in chariots ad some in horses
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God
They collapse and fall
but we rise and stand upright!

Whatever the outcome, I know that my God is still sovereignly in control and I can trust Him even with my life because He is good and faithful and His lovingkindness endures forever!

Featured Post : INTRODUCTION

This blog serves primarily to update and communicate with my church community (CDPC Subang) and friends who are praying for me on my journey with cancer.

A day before my trip to the USA on 21st September, I went to visit the ENT Specialist for a swollen left lymph node. He put a probe into my nose and there it was -  he said; “there’s something there.”  He asked me to take a picture of it as it appeared up on the screen in front of me.  He took a biopsy right there and then as I told him I had to go to the US the next day -Some 30 hours later.  He said the results were going to be out in a week.

Well a week rolled by and I was in Wichita with my travelling partners – Sandy and Micah when he called. The doctor said he wont e-mail me the results as it was too complicated. He wanted me to come back as soon as possible and then he could explain the results to me and Connie.  When the doctor says come home soonest possible – it can’t be good news.

And it wasn’t.

 

He said it’s NPC  (Nasalpharyngal Carcinoma).  I had to go to see the oncologist asap. 

Via Dolorosa is supposedly the road which Jesus took on his agonizing way through the city towards Golgotha. The only reason I am able to walk this journey is because my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ walked the ultimate journey to the cross Via Dolorosa. (The Road of Suffering).